5 Steps to Create a Loving and Happy Home
by Rosalind Doman
I began my work as a coach 48 years ago, teaching parents of children with special needs. I worked with and learned from Glenn Doman (who soon became my father-in-law). He taught me so much about the Doman Method®. He taught me the importance of the floor for mobility development, and how a child’s brain development is boosted with increased oxygen and stimulation.
But what I remember most fondly were the times Glenn taught families about teaching children how to conduct themselves socially. Often, children with special needs are excluded from social life and events. As a result of this, they never truly have the experience of a normal life, of engaging with others with the confidence of knowing what is expected in social situations.
The Code of Conduct was created to teach children the values, and rules of behavior, in their family’s household. Glenn saw the value of teaching social conduct within the safety of the home environment, with mom and dad.
When children, whether they have special needs or not, learn how to conduct themselves, they have the invaluable experience of learning to thrive. They can independently navigate experiences with success, and earn the respect of others. Kids always want to know the rules of their environment. As adults we have similar experiences when we start a new job or move to a new city or country. We want to learn about what is expected of us in order to be successful in our environment.
Glenn always began by telling families that this program was for every child in the household. The family’s Code of Conduct had nothing to do with their child’s brain injury. We do so by creating rules and communicating clear consequences to inappropriate behavior.
Here are 5 steps to successfully set up your own Code of Conduct at home:
1. Be Consistent:
A trap that parents fall into is inconsistency with the Code of Conduct. For example, a mother does not want her child, Sam, to jump on her bed. We all know this can damage the bed and can be dangerous. So Sam comes into his mother’s room and he begins to jump on the bed. Sam’s mother has had a great night of sleep the previous night. She watches Sam having a great time as he keeps jumping on the bed. Five times he is quietly asked to stop by his mother. The sixth time, Sam’s mother starts yelling and sends him to his room.
The next day the mother has not slept well and is very tired. After the first jump she starts scolding Sam.
For Sam though, the game just changed. Sam thought he could jump on the bed at least 5 times before getting scolded. But now it's the first time. In Sam’s mind, his mother changed the rules. We do this a lot to children. So in order to be consistent with your child, decide the exact rules and write them down so they can’t change.
In Sam’s case, the rule can be “We do not jump on the bed”.
2. There must be a realistic consequence to breaking the code:
Every rule comes with a consequence of breaking the rule. The same is true for rules in the house. However, if the consequence is too small there will be no reason for your child to change their behavior.
Let's say a ticket for parking in a no-parking zone is 10 dollars, while the parking lot down the street charges 30 dollars to park there. Why would anyone think twice about the 10 dollar ticket? Now, if the ticket is 100 dollars we would certainly think twice!
Now, you are not giving your child a ticket, but the consequence or “fine” should be enough that your child will notice it. Sending your child to time out for an hour would be way too much, but perhaps 10 seconds is not enough. Arrive at a clear consequence to the rule and write it down so it applies every time the rule is broken. The penalty must be fair, and what is fair might be different for a 2-year-old and a 6-year-old.
In Sam’s case, the consequence can be: “2 minutes in the thinking chair”
3. The Code must be explained and posted:
Let's go back to the example of getting a ticket in a no parking zone. Let's say there wasn’t a sign telling you not to park there. You park and one hour later you receive a $100 ticket, but there was NOTHING written! Wouldn’t you be annoyed?
Parents do this all the time. We decide rules without telling children first or writing them down. After deciding the rules and consequences, you must write it down, and post them where everyone can see them in the house.
In Sam’s case, the rule and consequence is posted on the refrigerator.
4. Everyone in the family needs to follow the rules.
To make a difference in a child’s behavior it is very important that both mother and father are on the same page. The rule needs to be discussed by parents and both need to agree to it. If the rule is to speak nicely and not to shout, that must include all family members. What does this mean
Does this mean dad is allowed to shout? No. Nor is sister or mother.
The solution is, when the rule is agreed upon, it should be done with the entire family and all family members should follow it.
5. Always be aware of the source of the child’s bad behavior.
If your child is not getting proper sleep or a healthy diet, these can be causes of bad behavior in children. It is vital to have your child sleep well and eat good quality meals (especially eliminating most sugars) in order to eliminate tantrums and any bad behavior.
These are some of the foundations in creating a Code of Conduct and a peaceful household. One last thing that I believe needs mentioning is the importance of having respect for your children’s intelligence and understanding. This is vital for implementing a successful Code of Conduct in the home. In my four decades of teaching this program, the most important aspect is trusting and respecting your child.